What You Remember
by writer23
Summary: The longest walk of Clarke's life as she heads back to the gates after mercifully killing Finn. She has to deal with what she's done and how others will react. It's a little heartbreaking, but I wanted to explore what was going through Clarke's mind after what happened. Bellarke if you squint.


**Summary:** The longest walk of Clarke's life as she heads back to the gates after mercifully killing Finn. She has to deal with what she's done and how others will react. It's a little heartbreaking, but I wanted to explore what was going through Clarke's mind after what happened. Bellarke if you squint.

**Author's Note: **I wrote this after watching the mid-season finale. I've been holding on to it for a few weeks, just making sure it felt right. This story is about the way your mind works after a trauma; it's strange the thoughts that go through your head. I'm sure we'll see some of the trauma Clarke has been through in the upcoming episodes, this is just my version of what happens next.

This is my first posting, ever. So please be kind and leave me a review, love and constructive criticisms are both welcome! Also, please let me know if you would like more of this. I'd be willing to write more one-shots connected to this as the series continues. I really hope this show gets a third season!

BTW: I am a total Bellarke shipper, but I did feel that Clarke needed to acknowledge how she felt about Finn before anything could happen.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of these characters and I'd like to say thank you to the writers of the show, you people are awesome. Oh and if Bellamy ever just wants to say "hi", I'm totally okay with that.

**What You Remember**

It was the longest walk of her life, the walk back to the camp gates.

Funny, she couldn't remember leaving the camp to go to Finn, just the angry faces of the Grounders. Now each step was heavy, her legs leadened by a grief she couldn't name.

When Finn had told her he loved her in the drop ship she couldn't respond in kind because she couldn't love him back the way that he loved her. But when her last chance to save Finn evaporated she understood something essential; whether or not she was in love with Finn she would always _love_ Finn.

He was her first in so many ways, the first person to let her be reckless, the first person to protect her on Earth, the first boy she slept with. That bond doesn't just disappear because of her anger or feelings of betrayal – he would always be important to her.

She just wishes her last memory of him wasn't a bloody knife in her hand.

It was different with Atom. It was traumatic to take a human life, but she barely knew the kid. It was necessary, difficult, and sad, but she did it and moved on.

If the numbness that had taken over her entire body was any indication, moving on from this might not be possible.

She killed Finn. She rationalizes that the grounders killed Finn; they pulled the trigger but she was the gun.

He was scared. It took all her strength not to admit that she was scared too. But living with killing her first love, her first real friend after Wells, is a far better fate than watching Finn be tortured to death by grounders. So in a way, it was selfish of her, she didn't want to see him die at their brutal hands.

She's surprised it's not his face she sees but the feeling of the blood on her hand that stays with her as she walks back. She imagined it would be his face that haunted her at this moment, but she's sure that will come later.

How will she ever sleep again? She knows she's exhausted. But right now, right now the only thing that registers is how heavy her right hand feels. How can blood weigh so much?

He wasn't innocent, she knows that, but was he guilty either?

This place, what they've been through, it changed them all. My God, they went through a WAR – an actual war for their survival. They were kids once, and it's funny but she can't remember what that felt like anymore.

It had been longer for her than some of the others; her childhood ended the day she walked in on her dad recording his warning to the ARK. She knew in that moment, that her world would never be the same. And after he was floated and she spent a year in solitary confinement… Clarke left her childhood far behind.

She was always mature, even as a little kid – Wells used to tease her about it. Her mom even warned her to take care of herself, not just the others, when she was sent to the ground.

Abby knew enough to know what kind of person her daughter was, an old soul. And dear God, her soul felt ancient in this moment; in this long march back to what once would have been familiar but now seemed alien. Earth was home but was she an alien in it?

She's too tired to be thinking these kinds of thoughts. When had she slept last? She can't remember. Finn would never sleep again.

Now she has to force the tears back.

She'd never hear his voice again.

She just keeps thinking that she can cry later, when she's alone, but not now.

She's steps from the gates and sees Raven.

She heard Raven cry out when she saw Finn but now Raven's standing there next to Bellamy.

She can't look at Bellamy yet. His look could undo her and she knows it.

But Raven, she owes Raven more that she can give.

Clarke looks up into the hatred flaring from Raven's eyes. She's surprised when Raven doesn't launch at her. She'd almost welcomed getting hit, a distant hope that she would be distracted by the physical pain and Raven might feel a little better.

What Raven did was worse. In a voice that could barely be considered human she spat at Clarke, "You didn't save him."

Clarke felt Raven's words cut right to her core and breathed out, "I know." and kept walking.

She still wouldn't look at Bellamy, or her mother, or anyone else. She didn't run but she didn't stop either. She kept walking until she was as far from the gate, and she distantly acknowledged – as far from Finn's body, as she could get. And then she started to pace along a narrow stretch of fence. Her thoughts came in rapid succession.

The numbness was gone now, replaced by panic over what she'd done.

_I killed him. I killed Finn. I took a knife and ended his pain, just like Atom. But not like Atom. I killed him. I should have saved him. I could have saved him. _

_I could have saved him. _

_I could have saved him._

_I could have saved him!_

"No, you couldn't have. No one could."

Clarke's head whipped up at his voice, and there was Bellamy. She must have said the last part out loud.

The anger and betrayal she expected to see in his eyes wasn't there, instead there was the only thing that could undo her…understanding. His deep brown eyes were warm and sad but not hard; his compassion was too much for her.

The tidal wave that had been building finally let loose.

The flood of tears took her by surprise.

Without a word, Bellamy stepped forward and wrapped her in a hug as fierce as the one they'd shared just a few days ago when she realized he was alive. It felt like he was trying to protect her from the pain.

Why didn't he hate her? He should hate her. She hated herself right now.

"Bellamy?" she didn't mean to say anything but she couldn't understand why he was with her.

She was so relieved and glad that he hadn't died when she pulled the lever to close the drop ship door.

Oh God, she was a murderer! She'd almost killed them then and now she'd finished the job with Finn.

That thought knocked her legs out from under her but Bellamy caught her weight and lowered them to the ground.

"It's not your fault Clarke. It's not your fault."

She cried harder.

Bellamy pulled back to look her in the eye and she realized he was fighting back tears, "Hey, Clarke listen to me." She lowered her eyes but he insisted, "Look at me Clarke."

He hadn't asked anything of her tonight, she could give him this, and she raised her eyes.

"You did save him Clarke."

She shook her head.

He shook _her_, "Yes, you did. They would have tortured him to death Clarke. _Tortured. _ He would have died from the pain and instead…instead he died in your arms Clarke. You protected him when none of us could. This is not your fault."

She wouldn't lie to him and tell him she believed it, but she understood what he said. It echoed some of her own thoughts, probably the more sane ones.

She leaned forward again and wrapped her arms around his middle and tucked her head under his chin. The words wouldn't come.

Knowing Bellamy was alive and didn't hate her was just about the only thing keeping her together in this moment. In the deepest part of her heart she could admit she might love him too, but that was too much to think about tonight. Bellamy might have been a mind reader in that moment, because he just held her tighter.

She'd face everything else tomorrow. Tonight, she'd let Bellamy hold her together.


End file.
